"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

Today would have been my 21st wedding anniversary to my first husband. This day does not bring me much emotion. I look at it and feel a twinge of sadness that the relationship was not pliable enough to sustain the changes we went through, but mostly I feel gratitude for what we had and gratitude that I had the courage to end what became toxic for my soul.

I am considering making it a new anniversary..a day to celebrate my courage, my new creative life and my gratitude for every event and person who has flowed in and out of my life. Any I perceived as “negative” were simply opportunities to grow and learn.

As I deepen my self-awareness it becomes easier to face the monsters under the bed. One being the sex/creativity issue. The other is money. LOL…what else would it be? The two elements of life to which we ascribe the most power…sex and money.

I have begun some interesting exercises as I am inspired. I reverse all the negative, guilty thoughts that come from how I’ve used money in the past. I make a list of all the ways I’ve supported and healed myself with my resources. The Artist’s Way beautifully describes how to live luxuriously and focus on nurturing the Creator within and silencing the inner Critic that says “I should be working”. Art is born in embracing possibilities, and bringing luxury to the soul, the book contends, builds a sense of abundance that will foster our “wild ideas”. Authentic luxury for me means fresh air, silence, time to think, taking time to paint (somehow that seems decadent since I’m “really” a photographer), fresh raspberries, fresh flowers in a vase and having someone else clean my house.

That last one is the one I have not yet given myself. My Critic says things like…”you have plenty of time to clean. Get up and do it yourself! You can’t afford a maid. You’re house isn’t big enough to warrant a maid! Geez! Don’t be lazy!”. Yeah. For me, that kind of thinking is toxic if it runs counter to my heart's desire. It may take a little while to silence those thoughts, and make a heart-centered decision about it’s importance.

Luxury is giving yourself what truly brings you joy. I am always amazed at how we are taught to deny ourselves, and then can’t figure out why we are unhappy.

Today I celebrate the joy I have pursued and found.

Posted by: brutallycurious at May 25, 2006 23:32 | link | comments (3)

Balancing on the thin, sharp, blade...

I am amazed that I have been brought to this moment in my life. I can accept the fire within me. I understand that I can embrace it. It will not consume me. It will not control or destroy me...these have been my fears.

I cherish what it brings to me..the passion in my seeing of the world, in my relationships, in the expression of my being. It is who I am.

I have come so far from the days when I would fling around my passion like a lit cigarette, carelessly blowing smoke and dropping ash. I know how to allow it to be glowing and burning within me until I find a way to express it. i know how...but the practice of it is tearing me up inside.

I have narrowed down my fear to this: What will it look like when I am directing this raging passionate fire within me primarily into my art? And how can I put that much of myself into my art and not lose myself? And how will I cope with it being judged? Because it will be.

I had a dream a few months ago of a newborn. Last week it was about a toddler. I draw the parallels to the artist within. And that is exactly how I feel...like a toddler flinging herself on the floor because she wants what she wants and she doesn't know how to get it.

My default setting has been to hunt down my man. Really. I'm just being brutally honest. And "hunt" is the appropriate word.. I am just that way; focussed, stalking, intent. But he is different. His passion is so sweet, so delicate, so tender, so amazing. I cherish him and his ways. And I am a huge advocate of sex, but I was using this as a diversion of my artistic flow...it was a block for me. Sex is my artistic block. I see the lessons here. I am to learn this gentle, quiet, sweet way as a way to balance my energy, and to allow my intensity to flow into my work as well.
When I truly internalized how all this works, I took a step back. Now what? Sex and intimacy take on a whole new meaning now. I want to redefine it's role in my life so that I am present with each emotion, each action, and I understand where it's coming from and what I want to do with it.

But while I'm re-creating my life for the new me, my fire still rages and I am still figuring out how to build the bridge between it and how I want to express it. I I just don't know how to bridge that gap; I don't want to tame the wild woman within me and yet I don't know how to channel her. At times, I feel so lost. I have discarded all the old ways that do not serve me. I have many new tools, but I feel so inadequate to the task.

Posted by: brutallycurious at May 23, 2006 20:11 | link | comments
art , passion, finding my own rhythm, balancing on the blade, authenticity

Monday blues

Here it is again, monday evening around dinner time. Mondays start out so good usually. I am home alone all day. I get up, have my coffee, do my journaling and reading, and then get to work. I do whatever floats my boat..whatever seems fun and artistic. This usually lasts until early/late afternoon. Today I wanted to expand my knowledge of several things..the history of photography, and ancient art and symbology. I downloaded syllabi from several college courses so I can read from the textbooks they use. Last week I started designing my website, and today I did some more blog-rolling research. It was really research, I swear. My daughter came by from 4-6 until she went back to school for a meeting.

But now she's gone and I have lost the motivation to work, and it seems like a good time to transition to evening activities. But by this time of day I just feel at loose ends. My favorite bar is closed Monday nights, the wine bar too, and my husband won't be home until 8:30.
I don't know why it seems so lonely...it's only a couple of hours if I decide to hang out here and wait for him. I could go out to eat alone, or go to the bookstore like I sometimes do. I'm not feeling it today.

Maybe it's the transition from weekend to workweek...sigh. Gotta find a Monday night friend, but most people I know are busy settling into the work week too.

I have "artist dates" I treat myself to every week (an idea from the Artist's Way), but I did that yesterday. I went and shot some gorgeous hibiscus with unusual red "veins". Then I went to the very posh vintage shop nearby and browsed at elegant dresses, kimonos, brooches, purses, and hats from the 40's and 50's. That was great fun. I've always figured I was a 1940's housewife in my last life. I love all the home-making appliances, modes of dress, architecture, automobiles...everything from the 40s. Granted, it was a difficult period in our history, and being a housewife was no bed of roses, but the pedestrian elements of every day life appeal to me.

I collect the kitchen utensils with the worn red wooden handles..but of course I love all things wooden. I hate plastic. Plastic in the kitchen is indispensable, but I hate it. I also have the square aluminum canisters, the quaint linen Christmas apron, mixing bowls the color of pale turquoise and adorned with reliefs of trees...just a few things here and there to keep my kitchen from looking too 21st century.

There are so many things I could be doing...returning phone calls, emails, laundry..nothing appeals. Maybe I will settle down with a novel and get lost in it.

Posted by: brutallycurious at May 22, 2006 18:56 | link | comments
finding my own rhythm, mondays

Nest for sale. Available June 1. Move-in condition.

I purposely placed my desk under a window so I could look out at the trees while I work. Last year, cardinals nested in the pear tree right outside and I had so much fun watching them come and go through the building, sitting, and caring phases.
This year, robins have moved in, and presently are ...well, I can't tell exactly what they're doing. I think the eggs have hatched and they are feeding them. There is definitely a lot of traffic in and out of the tree, and it doesn't look like there's much sitting anymore.

Ok, now I see babies heads popping up from the edge of the nest for food, so they are getting bigger. It thrills me to be witness to nature's cycles. My first experience with a bird's nest was 15 years ago (when my eldest was 2!) when cardinals nested right outside my bedroom window. I could even hear the little chirping when the eggs hatched, and it seemed like it was only a few days before they flew away and the nest was empty.

Thank Goddess we humans get a little more time to adjust to the children being gone. My eldest is graduating from high school this month, and I am struggling with it. I've never been one to be melancoly over their milestones..I never cried the first day of school or anything like that. But this will be different. I am really torn up about "my baby" going off to college. She's better prepared than I was, but that's not saying much. Most of the time she is responsible and uses her head to solve her problems, but she never thinks ahead. "Oh...I just realized I need...." Yeah, that's going to clear up real quick when mom and dad aren't around. Yes, I will let her walk her own path and make her own mistakes, but I'm not saying I won't be boo-hooing in the background.

And while the bird's nest may be open and available soon, I still have one chickadee in my nest, and she's a handful. I'm not accepting any new tenants.

Posted by: brutallycurious at May 19, 2006 09:22 | link | comments
kids, nest

My 8 yr old, TQ, saw me typing my blog entry. She sees me typing all the time, but this time she took an interest, reading over my shoulder.

She said she wanted a blog too, so I set one up for her on diaryland. She sat in front of it for 10 minutes, and came away with two words..."I have"...lost interest and went to have a snack. This blogging thing isn't all fame and glory you know, lol.

Posted by: brutallycurious at May 17, 2006 17:58 | link | comments