"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

late night dangers...

I wrote the previous post around midnight last night, posted it, and began another one regarding Sue Monk Kidd.  After half an hour of writing, creating links and some research to find a quote, I lost it. Gone.  I did something wrong and lost it before i posted it. It was nearly 1 AM and i did not have the energy to recreate it. Then, this morning i checked the first post and realized it didn't quite qualify as "lucid". Lol.  I like to be a nightowl, but being really tired is kinda like being drunk....you think you're fine, then you realize you weren't really thinking clearly.

So, what I wanted to post last night with great fanfare is that I am going to Charleston, South Carolina in a couple of weeks for a class with Sue Monk Kidd at the Sophia Institute.  I am very excited.  I met her in the spring when she was in town for a book signing and already knew I wanted to take this class..."Writing, Creativity and the Soul" even though I am not a writer by trade.  I would take "How to Market Plastic Shelving to the Woodworkers" if she were teaching it.  I identify with her tumultuous spiritual journey as she describes it in Dance of the Dissident Daughter. She had a very similar leap of faith to realize her heart's desire which grew out of her spiritual awakening. For her it was writing fiction and leaving traditional Christian commentary behind. I was drawn to photography.  So what is this desire in me to write? I am not sure. It may only be a nourishing corrollary to my art.   We shall see.

My mother lives in Charleston and she is putting me up. It  will be an interesting opportunity for her to see me in artist/feminist/spiritualist mode.  She tries, but does not really understand who I am anymore.  When I do share my ideas, she tends to see them as black and white instead of multi-colored. It is who she is.  I have accepted that over the last year, but it has not been easy.  It's part of moving into an adult relationship with her. I had thought that's where I was with her for years until I realized that I was afraid of changing so much she couldn't "approve" because she didn't understand.  I have moved through that.

In other news, Singing Arrow has listened to my copy of Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood on CD.  I thought it was very cool how much he enjoyed it. The line we are living by this week from the book is...



"Sidda, dahling, you don't 'figure' life out. You just get up on the beast and ride!"

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 25, 2006 11:33 | link | comments (6)
writing, growing up, authenticity, singing arrow, sue monk kidd

Just breathe

Libertine: Free thinker, especially in matters of social convention and religion.

Inspiration: The act of breathing in; or a sudden, brilliant creative idea.

Create: Bring into existence.

Authentic: Emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive and responsible mode of human life.

Responsible: The ability to respond to the present moment.

Sensuous: Relating to the senses rather than the intellect.

Vitality: The power giving continuance to life; the state of being strong and active.

Emotion: Instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.



These are some of the words and their meanings that I am using in my artist's statement. What surprised me was the word inspiration.  In yoga, the breath and breathing are the connection to one's inner  source..the body and the energy within that sustains us (some might even call this Spirit).    What is also interesting is that when one breathes, one literally inhales the surrounding world. It seems like another sense...a deeper meaning to the sense of smell. LIke an animal can smell danger,  like humans smell pheremones without being conscious of it...what other information are we taking in when we breathe?  Just by breathing...the very thing that ensures our vitality, our continued life, we connect to ourselves and to the world around us. Somehow inspiration, the act of breathing,  brings us into our body, out of the incessant chatter of the mind (even if only for a minute of two..Eckhart Tolle calls this " the addiction of the mind"  to not be able to turn off the incessant thoughts) and into a space, literally and figuratively, where we can listen to ourselves. Hence, the space where brilliant ideas come to us. My teacher says that 5 or 6 deep breaths will always bring you calm. Sounds easy, but I find it difficult to make it to 6 deep breaths at times before my mind distracts me.

And I am back to the use of the word space. More on that later.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 25, 2006 00:12 | link | comments
creation, space, authenticity

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Yesterday Singing Arrow resigned. He is going to freelance. We are now both in the world of self-employment. It's big and scary and exciting. His heart is lighter. He is calm and knows he is headed the right direction.

This morning I saw his resignation letter. I was amazed by the way he conveyed the power of his conviction.



"Company Management,

Over the past few months I have been realigning my priorities, in line with my understanding and interpretation of recent experiences. I no longer feel that continued employment at this company serves me or my purposes.

I thank you for all the opportunities and experiences that I have had over the past four years. They have helped me grow as a person and understand the fundamental truth of my heart.

This will serve as notification of severance of employment. Unless deemed unsatisfactory by the management of  the company,  I will complete two weeks and end my employment on September 1, 2006."

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 22, 2006 08:28 | link | comments (1)
singing arrow

Singing  Arrow and I noted today that the most tumultuous periods in our lives (that would be this week) are the ones that are least documented. The emotional buffeting, the destruction of one's assumptions, understandings and perceptions of How The World Is, transcends the writing skill of many people...especially me. I can tell you how I've felt...in great detail, too. The process of awakening to one's true self is beyond words, and yet we continue to grope for ways to express it,  hoping to find clarity and share our journey.

My artistic life continues to be chaotic. I flounder some days and others I have a clear vision of who I am and what I desire to do. Last week I experimented with water colors...it felt like a way to be an artist and get out of the calculating and second-guessing I have recently allowed to creep into my photography. Painting is just putting colors on paper. It is therapeutic. I did little else artistically. I have crept forward with my stock of pictures..working on some and discarding others.

But emotionally I spent the entire week listening to my inner critic and all those negative voices that tell me how hard and unfair  life is. I had forgotten how painful it can be to get caught in those voices and believe them. It took me a couple of days to recover, but I did. 

Singing Arrow has been increasingly unhappy at work. It is unfulfilling and his employer has little or no regard for the personal lives of their employees...you know, a regular job. But his heart calls him to artistic endeavors and work that would serve humankind. And then he looks at how I live my life and desires that for himself.

Given his typical male upbringing, though, making that transition is harder. He has been working through the externally imposed rules about achievement, status, salary and obligation. So many rules that have nothing to do with what makes him truly happy.

It is amazing to watch him go through what I did, but in his own way. Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls it "being boiled down to the bones" and then being reconstituted. It's culture shock...times ten. When all the old "you" is stripped away, what is left? Ah, the essential you. The spirit you. The soul you. When the world is stripped away, you see you are not your house, your car, your job, your bank account, your furniture. You are an indestructable soul who knows what it wants to be happy. When you stop and listen, it will tell you what it wants. But the mind, ever so tuned into the outside world, starts jumping up and down, screaming at you to stop and forget such a dangerous thing as giving up all you know and love. It's too scary, too much work, it means certain failure.  Your family will laugh at you, your friends will think you are a failure.

The fear is enormous and you spend the better part of your days watching them, rooting them out before they paralyze you. And then you wake up one day and realize you missed a few and you've been drowning in fear for 3 days.  You go back inside your heart, connect with the eternal that reminds you of what's really real and you begin to see the fear again as an illusion.

On the other side of the fear is the excitement of the unknown, the power of embracing change.  After a weekend of both of us returning to our hearts and listening to it, we face a new week very different people.  Change is afoot.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 20, 2006 23:12 | link | comments (1)
art , emotions, possibilities, singing arrow

tired. quiet. pensive.

In the quiet of my own space today, I am continuing to fashion a bio and artist's statement. It is harder than I imagined. Even things that I write that are true look trite and silly in print. My way with words gets a bit muddy at times, I admit,  because I am more at home in my emotions than my intellect.  Clarity and brevity are friends I coax out of hiding.

A breath of fresh air will help.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 13, 2006 13:05 | link | comments (4)
writing