"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

This blog is temporarily disabled by a bad mood and a cold. Check back at the end of the week. Oh, and Happy Halloween.

Posted by: brutallycurious at October 30, 2006 18:05 | link | comments (2)

finding balance

Here in Freelance Land things are smoothing out. It gives new meaning to my theme of "balancing on the blade" which Georgia O'keefe used to describe her process of artistic work.  My husband, Singing Arrow, and I are figuring out how to be true to our own process while not infringing on each other.  I am getting better at not being too influenced by whatever mood he is in.  I can sense when I'm getting claustrophobic and it's time for me to go work at the coffee shop.

Admittedly I would be spending lots of money eating lunch in my favorite haunts and hanging out there if I had the money, but I am quite happy with the challenge of being creative with my workspace.

I did get  a lead on some studio space I am going to investigate.  I still am confident that I will find the perfect space when the time is right. I work at not getting impatient.

I meet with both Wendy the Life Coach and BG the Therapist today.  I usually don't even schedule them in the same week, but somehow this slipped up on me. I will enjoy it, but  i know I'll feel a bit poked and prodded by the end of the day.

Last week, i went to see my alternative doctor. It occurs to me that I am so steeped in non-traditional practices...mental, spiritual and physical, that this stuff just doesn't seem weird to me anymore. But I've been having very tight and sore muscles in my shoulders and neck since I quit my job. I know this is a sign that I am stressed about what I'm doing, but I couldn't really pinpoint the fear or the mindset that was causing it. She did. She did her voodoo that she does so well, and after a series of pointed questions to me, I realized I was still holding onto some old beliefs I learned from my parents. The good doctor help me release them and she worked on my muscles.

Although my siblngs and I have taken unique paths, my parents sent very mixed messages.  On one hand, they were both independent minded and in a perfect world they would have never married each other and would have lived unique artistic lives.  They could recognize and support our artistic leanings.  But in practice they bought (and sold to us) the bill of goods that God only loves and supports those that conform to society and the Church.  If you leave those guidelines, woe be unto you. You have no guarantees of heaven, success, happiness or, more importantly, approval from society.  Do whatever you want, but don't rock the societal boat.

Of course, this is the era they grew up in. I know this. And they passed  the shackles along to us.  I thought I had worked through that...I am different, I make my own way and I am much happier being me than conforming to some external standard, least of all the Church.

What I uncovered with the doctor was the fear they lived and taught that God (or the Universe) would not support and take care of you when you left the well-beaten path. Oh my. I had absorbed that from my earliest memories.  I saw each of them in their own way resign themselves to unhappiness for the sake of security.

So while they are supportive of me on the surface, I was still holding on to these old myths, truly afraid that I was going to be abandoned by Life for being different.  It seems ridiculous when I write it, but most fears do look silly when exposed to the light of day.  That's what makes it  important to look within, find them and uncover them.

It has taken me almost a week to feel my way through letting this go. I have noticed an immediate difference in my stress level.  I am much more relaxed and open and accepting of what each day brings.  My neck is stil a little stiff, but the cause of the stress is gone.  It will take  a little while to break the habit of thinking that way, but I certainly no longer feel controlled by it.

I have chosen a very different life for myself than anyone I know, and I am safe.  I am capable of taking care of myself and no matter what happens, I am okay. The laws of karma, luck, blessing, the laws of attraction...whatever one may call them...they still work and can be even more powerful in my life because I am creating it consciously, not following a crowd.

And the healing goes on.....

Posted by: brutallycurious at October 25, 2006 09:44 | link | comments (3)
balancing on the blade, wendy the life coach, bg the therapist

What day is it again?

When one loses the structure of a workweek it gets difficult to remember what day it is. I was reminded the other day of the the quote hanging on the wall of the log cabin my friend Geanie owns.."In the mountains, we forget to count the days". I like this problem. This is good. My weekends become the hectic part..Monday becomes the recovery and centering day.

I sit in a "new" coffeehouse. I found another one not too far away with free wireless (just call me the wireless ho, I don't mind) and the atmosphere is a little better.  The music is a little less intrusive and the crowd a little less grungy. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....



But this place kinda feels like my kitchen, only without the dirty floor and the cats begging for tuna. The group behind me seems to be speaking....you know, I'm not even going to guess what language they're speaking. Oh, oh...they're leaving. But, as I was saying, the place is  a perfect winebar/coffeeshop combo. Hmmm. We'll call this office UrbanChic #3...home is #1, Grunge Central is #2.  anything missing? Oooh. Bed. Bed is #1a. I don't subscribe to working in the bedroom, but it's hard to resist working while propped up on pillows.



Sigh. I'm stalling. I have to finalize work on the website this week. It's a little nervewracking. The key is to remember nothing is etched in stone. We'll put it together then see how it feels. Tweak, tweak, tweak.

Posted by: brutallycurious at October 23, 2006 17:51 | link | comments (1)
rambling, website, coffee shops

Quote of the Day

Overheard on the Curious George program on PBS (in a feigned italian accent)...



"I am your wife and he is a monkey. If we aren't honest with you, who will be?"

Posted by: brutallycurious at October 20, 2006 16:36 | link | comments (2)

and another goodie...

i was just reading the fashion pages of the New York Times (something to drool over) and ran across this article about an up-and-coming men's designer, Thom Browne.   Interesting guy...he kinda reminds me of Robert Rauschenberg...making his own art, his own way, seemingly oblivious to the fashions of the moment.



At the end of the article, he has this to say...



“I don’t like to know what’s going on,” he said, explaining why he does not like to go shopping. “It’s too easy to be influenced. It’s better to be totally off base and have it be something you love."



Which starts the wheels turning in my own mind about what constitutes inspiration and what turns it into the influence of the zeitgeist...and is that desirable or undesirable? I don't tend to haunt art galleries or other photographer's work, and yet I do read a few magazines to see what the trends are.  I can't say it has a direct influence on what I do, and  yet at this moment I have a collage of female nude photos culled from these magazines on my wall as a way to refresh my thinking on photographing the body. So, it probably will influence the way I shoot. Does this bother me? Do I feel like it compromises my own style? No. But I am fascinated by his purity of purpose. Fascinated.

Posted by: brutallycurious at October 19, 2006 17:17 | link | comments (5)
art , rauschenberg, authenticity