"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

The desk is empty

A couple hundred negatives, maybe 20-30 of my best digital images, all my client work burned to cd and some family pictures on cd. That’s all that I have left of my photographs.

Thursday afternoon, we arrived home to discover someone had kicked in our back door and stolen my computer and my husband’s computer. Four years of work and close to 3000 images gone. We were out of the house only 2 hours.  Just last week when we were on vacation, we pulled out the hard drives and stored them at a friend’s house.  But we came home and put them back in the computer…they’re safe now, right? Right.

You know, I haven’t met a photographer who hasn't had something stolen…either computers or cameras, but I I didn’t look at it that way until now. It didn’t seem to be inevitable for me.

I am dazed and sad. The typical feelings of being violated and disrespected are there. They will fade.  But then there is the mourning. My work, my little digital children are gone. I am stoic at times, weepy at others.

I notice I have reached a point where I can observe my pain and hold it compassionately. I will let it run its course, and work at maintaining my awareness through it. I choose to find the opportunity and growth in this experience, even as I know I have grieving to do.

I can see a multitude of blessings in this event.  I literally have more space in my life now for new art.  I can create anything I want, not feeling the constraints of old habits, old identities, work that may have boxed me into a way of thinking. The slate is clean. The desk is empty.

They didn’t see the checkbook. They didn’t steal my camera. It was right there, along with my lights, which together surpass the value of the computer. They didn’t take the TV, the jewelry (although they were looking for it). They found the ipod, but not the scanner. They took one router but not the other. The poor schmucks even took the cable modem. The cable modem. There is nothing they can do with that.

We are blessed. We are safe. No one was home.  The rest of the house was untouched. All the sentimental things are still there…all the family pictures, the negatives, the paintings, the artwork.

It is traumatic and difficult to work through, and yet in the grand scheme of life it just isn’t a big deal. I am so grateful for all I am and the blessings that fill my life.  Today, I am grateful for coconut pie, coffee, flute music, and hot water coming from my sink. I am grateful for my two cats who sense the disruption in the energy of the house and have been staying close to me. I am grateful for my husband who is quick with a hug and a kiss whenever he feels me waver. I am grateful for my life this day.

Posted by: brutallycurious at June 30, 2007 14:50 | link | comments (5)

As predicted, I spent a fair amount of time in the Flippen Walmart. I watched the Flippen Police stop speeders, and drove past the Flippen Church of God. Honestly, if you live in Flippen, wouldn't you prefer another name for your church?
The trip was fine. The family only argued once. The chiggers moved in and ate us all. I now look like I'm recovering from a case of chicken pox.

After we returned from Arkansas Friday night, we had to turn around and drive to Darlington, South Carolina to photograph my niece's (my brother's middle child) wedding. It was somewhat of a disaster that turned out beautifully. Going in, my main concern was my brother's ex-wife attending. She is not a nice person, and that's the only thing I can say on that matter. She turned out to be the least of our worries. We were running late, about 45 miles from the wedding, when our radiator died. We'd been nursing it along, but it didn't make it. Stranded on the side of I-20. That's the first time I've ever experienced actual stranding....I've had a lot of car trouble in my life, but that's the first time I've been stranded on the side of the interestate.
But, good news.  After a few phonecalls, my nephew came and picked us up.  We drove to the wedding, but missed  the ceremony.  I spent most of the reception shooting pictures, and that worked out fine. The bride was not upset, and the cantankerous family members behaved.

Then the real work began. My nephew was planning to drive down to see my mom anyway, so we hitched a ride, and got a chance to connect with him.  Singing Arrow had never met him, so they got acquainted. I'd have to say that my nephew is on of the coolest kids I know, and I wouldn't have rather been in a car for 2 hours with any other relative except for my sisters.  We spent the night in Charleston, got up Sunday morning and bought a radiator, then my mom drove us back to the car to fix it. Singing Arrow did a great job putting in the new radiator, and then we sent my mom home.

It was another 4 hours back to Atlanta. The trip to Arkansas was 625 miles one way so that's 1300 miles by Friday night. Saturday and Sunday were another 500 roundtrip without the trip to charleston which is another......100 one way....so 700 miles to South Carolina and back plus 1300...yeah. 2000 miles in 9 days.

we came home exhausted. It's taken us several days to put our lives back together, but we're here and grounded and rested and working.

Posted by: brutallycurious at June 28, 2007 11:03 | link | comments

Flippin, Arkansas has a Wal-Mart.....

the "big project" culminates tomorrow. I had one more little meltdown. Two weeks ago I ordered white t-shirts for the organizing committee.  The tshirt compnay decided to change  them to black, and then sent an email to  apologize to the people who will be wearing them in 80+ degree weather tomorrow saying "hindsight is 20/20" . Sigh.

Granted, I'm intense, but I don't usually get this angry when it concerns this event. But I realized part of it is that i've done a really good job this year, and I've structured my schedule so as to be ready two days early so I can prepare for vacation. That almost happened. But I've managed to see the anger for what it is...an ego trip. Not wanting others to think I screwed up. I did my job well and others made mistakes...I know I've done that to someone else.  The tshirts will be a non-issue. People will wear what we give them.  All the other stuff seems to be turning out well. Tomorrow is show-time.

In addition to that craziness, I am working on getting two new jobs. One is membership development for a new online business guild (details eventually) and the other is applying to be a Mac Genius. I am so excited about possibly being able to work in an Apple store. I might never bring home a paycheck :) It reminds me of working at the McCrory's  when I was young, and I'd spend my money on all sorts of junk....candy, jewelry, household stuff.
The online sales job I have. I just have to figure out how I want to do it and enjoy it., Having both jobs might be too  much....I might not have the creative time I want. But the online sales job is very part time. The Apple store....could be just one day a week, I don't know.

I am allowing it to work itself out. For now, I am excited about both and I'll have a week to take a step back and consider all these possibilities. My goal in all this is to have work that I enjoy and supports my creative life. Each of these has that potential.

I know it sounds like I'm just running ragged, but life is about to slow way down, and i'll be ready with my camera or paint brush or pen when it does. The creative flow is flowing and I'm ready to channel it.

today i sat down in a coffee shop and picked up a copy of Paste,  the magazine of "Music, Film and Culture" (based right here in Atlanta)  and read an interview with Lucinda Williams. I hope someday someone says this about me and my art.....
" She's one of those rare artists who are their art...She's amazing in how she removes that boundary that separates a lot of artists from saying directly what they mean..The songs are so personal."


Ok, i'm out for a week.  If anyone wants to find me, they'll have to drive to Yellville, Arkansas. Go another 15 miles into the middle of nowhere, and that's where I'll be, asleep in a hammock. If I feel adventurous, I might make it to the Flippin Wal-Mart.  Yeah.

Posted by: brutallycurious at June 14, 2007 17:09 | link | comments (1)
art , coffee shops

angry posting. I just can't do it. I am so angry right now about a project going wrong that it causes physical pain to tell the story. Does that happen to anyone else? It takes too much effort to spell it out in black and white.
I just want to glower at my mo'time community and have them commiserate with me without the sordid details.
I did my job on time, and someone changed the rules midstream.  It caused me to do something I've never done....I sent a couple of very frank, curt emails..not exactly rude, not exactly polite....to my project partner. He seems to think the changes are no big deal, and I made it very clear to him it was.
But I have decided now it won't be a big deal because there isn't enought time to change it all.  am not going to worry about it. I'll make some adjustments, but the rest of it will not be changed. There isn't time...this event happens Friday.
The one thing I hang onto is that I leave town Saturday for the mountains. whooo, doggie. It's looking better and better all the time.

Posted by: brutallycurious at June 12, 2007 19:09 | link | comments

the 'hood

I feel like I live in another country now and I've only moved two miles. The condo was behind a gate, nestled in a middle-class neighborhood sprinkled with diversity. Just a little...not as diverse as i would prefer.

The new house is in an urban neighborhood. More traffic, more pedestrians. On my block alone there is an elderly woman living in a ranch next door, two renovated bungalows for yuppies, one Habitat for Humanity house, my modest ranch on a big lot inhabited by...what to call us? freelancing new-agers, two McMansions under construction, and a low-income apartment complex. Many of the apartment residents do not have cars, so they walk to the corner store and they walk to the bus stop on the corner. Their activity seems to envelope the whole block...they use the road as part of their interaction with their neighbors.

I knew all this when I moved in, and I welcome it...mostly. I welcome the opportunity to be around all sorts of people and not insulate myself from the real world. That being said, it is a big adjustment. The first night I hardly slept for all the street noise. I tune it out now and only occasionally wake up to someone yelling down the street. On the whole we feel safe here, although we take the standard precautions of locking the car, locking the doors, and locking up anything outside. Our front door has one of those "cages"...a steel screen door with bars. I actually find it attractive and like being able to leave the door open when it's cool and just lock the screen door.

Then there are the connecting streets. When I enter the neighborhood, there is a business center with some high-end condos, a couple of nice restaurants, a wine store, a florist. In the two blocks to my house, there are several boarded up houses, idle men, and lots of litter on the street.  The contrasts are glaring, and I wonder about the impact of gentrification on this area of town. It may not go gently.

The other day I was eating dinner with my girls and the front door was open with the cage locked. Three teenage girls were walking by. They saw the open door, came up and asked for a glass of water. I couldn't think of any reason to say no, so I gave each of them a plastic cup of water they could take with them. They seemed rather surprised I gave them water. After they were gone, MDQ, my 9 yr old, was very perplexed. Why would they ask for water? I had no answer, but it felt important to extend that basic kindness even if I didn't understand it.  I will not speculate on the teenage girls motives. They asked for water, they got it, they left.

It makes me very aware of the silent social rules that govern behavior among neighbors. In a predominately white, middle class neighborhood, there's an implied sense of self-sufficiency and privacy that does not exist here.  In this neighborhood, there's more of a sharing of resources and a greater freedom of interaction between people. I find it refreshing at times to be able to speak to anyone walking by. I am well aware that this atmosphere carries a greater security risk. That doesn't really bother me. There are more dangerous places in this city, and I am comfortable with the level of risk here, primarily because I have that inner knowing that this is where I am meant to be.

The process of finding and deciding on this house was difficult, but it just felt right. I don't understand what may come of this experience, but there is a reason we are here. That is palpable. I recognize that we may be not only helpful in bridging the socio-economic gaps on this street, but it will also be a growth experience for us. Every day we are challenged to look at our own feelings and values and decide if that's who we want to be. Who do we choose to be in the face of this experience?  It has been our approach in in the rest of our lives. Seems the Universe has just upped the stakes. 

Posted by: brutallycurious at June 05, 2007 15:10 | link | comments (4)