"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

I would love to have a piano again.

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 25, 2007 13:48 | link | comments

I've been thinking a lot lately about balance.  My therapist pointed out last week that the amazing string of difficulties I've been experiencing is the physical manifestation of imbalance. I have been out of balance in my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies. I do not argue the point. One of my biggest challenges is carrying through into action (the physical body) that which I know to be important or that which I am inspired to do.
What I did not understand is the extent to which I had allowed it to get out of balance. I would meditate, dream, plan...and do nothing. Once I did begin to move on things, it was uneven. I would take one step but not another.
But I feel my balance returning. I have been "waking up" ever since I took that walk a couple of weeks ago. From that moment on, I have been standing in  my woman most of the time. When circumstances go wrong around me, or people around me are wrapped up in their drama, I have managed to stand in who I am and not absorb it.  I literally began taking steps in my own best interest and following my heart.
I am committed to my own physical health, which I had allowed to suffer lately. I am reaffirming my belief in my own talents and skills. I've been looking for a part-time job that will suit my gifts and encourage my creativity on the job and, by extension, in my own art.
 It is so so easy to hear those old voices saying I'm really not talented, that no one wants my skills or won't recognize my gifts. I know the task is to stand in those gifts and look for those opportunities and people with whom I can connect and create.
But I had an epiphany the other day about this. I have proven to myself before that I can clarify who I am and stand in that and attract people...when it comes to men. Because I was confident in myself. All this requires is the same approach with my professional life.  I just have more old negative thoughts to overcome with this...namely that I am only worth my looks and not my skills. yeah. That's an old, nasty belief, and it is identifiable as such in print, but it sneaks up on me all the time when I'm not looking.
I'm keeping my eyes open now for it.

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 25, 2007 13:47 | link | comments (3)

what in your life has brought you to experience its essence...the marrow of life? when are those moments you are full of the experience of life, the joy, the pain, the sorrow and the beauty of all experience?
I am there. or here. I don't know of a time I've been happier or more free, even as I am profoundly challenged in my  daily circumstances.

Today, I had no cash, no gas in the car, and a desire to work in Decatur...3 miles away. So, I carefully packed a bag and struck out walking. I put on headphones and got happier with every step. It is so freeing to be alone and walking and doing exactly what I want.  I thought of Genevieve walking around New Zealand as my inspiration.

It's two miles to my old neighborhood and another mile to Decatur. I stopped in my old neighborhood to rest and check email (via the wireless signal coming from the bar).  As I was sitting there, my good friend Tria drove by on the way to her office and stopped when she saw me. She gave me a ride into Decatur.
I parked myself at my favorite old coffee shop, where a friend of my daughter gives me one free cup of coffee when I come in. She was there :) As I looked for a  seat, I noticed an old acquaintence who is an artist. He is one of the most insightful, supportive people I know and it was wonderful to reconnect with him. He has pulled back from the corporate world one day a week to write. He is currently on his second screenplay. I find him supportive and understanding, he credits me with encouraging him to follow his heart regardless of what anyone else says.

it was incredibly uplifting to have an artist-to-artist conversation and work side by side with a creative. What a good day.

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 16, 2007 12:51 | link | comments (2)

Wireless wanderer

Without wireless at home, I am redefining my home life. Granted, internet access is important enough to me that we will restore service. But for now it is kinda cool to be disconnected unless I seek it out. It's  made the house a quieter place mentally. When I go into the office, it is to have a visceral experience of writing, reading or painting. There is  a clearer definition between work and non-work. I knew, even before this happened, that I used the computer as  a distraction from meaningful activities.

The past few days have been a gentle sway of sadness and quiet peace. When my emotions sway downward, I want to listen to music which in and of itself is a challenge.  My husband has given me his iPod since he doesn't use it, but a lot of my music is gone for now. I think most of it is recoverable between the laptops and my daughter's ipod. It's going to be a patchwork quilt of music. I cry if I feel like it, then I count my blessings and find something to do that makes me happy.

Saturday and Sunday we spent working in the yard doing things we had planned, but also reclaiming our property by touching it, working it, putting our stamp on it.  We discovered a few of our computer parts trailing through the yard to the back corner of the fence....right up against the low-income apartments. This surprises no one. Even the officer who came out said our computers were probably at the apartment complex.  I am careful not to make blanket assumptions about the people who live there. But, I'm realistic enough to know there are drug addicts there, and one or two of them broke into our house to finance their habit. Singing Arrow and I have joked about hoping they spread the word that they got the only things worth any money from our house.

I see how my posts are somewhat disjointed and I've given myself permission to wander through my thoughts. it's a lot of work to manage them right now, so I'm not even trying. We've "cleansed" the house twice now with prayers and incense, and it feels better and the cats are calming down. I've begun making phonecalls to the family to tell them, but it is hard to relive it with every conversation.

i considered just sending out a mass email....

"Dear family,
Our house was broken into and they got both our desktop computers. We are fine, the cats are okay, and they took little else. All my pictures are gone though, so if I had any pictures of you in compromising positions,  be aware they are now in the hands of unscrupulous individuals. You are welcome to come to town and help us track down the bastards if it makes you feel better.  I am mourning the loss of most of my artwork and that will take a little while to adjust to. We would appreciate it if you didn't tell us you told us so. We chose to live here and we accepted the risks.

No, we aren't moving out. No, we probably will not put bars on the windows. Yes, we're sleeping okay. Thanks for your concern, feel free to send cash.

Love,
us.

okay...i feel better now.

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 02, 2007 16:11 | link | comments (3)
family, break-in