"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

I stare at my blog almost every day, either wishing an entry would appear without my writing a word, magically falling out of my brain on the keyboard, or that I would find some boundless source of energy with which to delve deep into myself and write something meaningful.  Not happening.
I can't even bring myself to detail the drudgery of my life because talking about it makes me even more tired. Now, life isn't bad, but a full-time working schedule leaves little time to write creatively, and for that I am sad. I am tired most evenings, and if I make it home before 7 or 8,  I spend the evening cocooning to restore my balance.
This week is a little better because I'm leaving at a reasonable time and reclaiming my evenings to myself. Singing Arrow isn't quite there yet. In fact, he's allowed himself to get so overworked he is quite the vegetable when he's home, and that bothers me. I really miss him, and I told him so a few days ago.  He's begun to respond and make time to rebuild our home life.....sort of.  Our plans to hang out tonight fell apart when our boss called, and so here we sit with computers in our laps.  We both agree she has no place in our evenings, so next week we'll establish our boundaries with her that we are no longer available to work evenings. She doesn't usually expect that of me, but often of him.  Our relationship has definitely taken a hit around this. I wish he would set boundaries for himself, but he responds faster when I say something.

Having said that, the job is going well. I learn more all the time about myself and how to carry myself through the day.  Today I set my intent to have a great day, and I did. Not to say that everything went perfectly, but I maintained my perspective and worked at not being attached to outcome.  On the whole, I look at this job as a learning experience...not so much the actual work, but about myself because, after all, that's what anything in our lives is about. I could be driving a bus or working in a coffee shop, and either way I'm just practicing being me.

by the way, the Sue Monk Kidd workshop is in 3 weeks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it works out for me to go.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 29, 2007 20:05 | link | comments (1)
work, writing

Friday evening. What a lovely concept.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 24, 2007 18:26 | link | comments (1)

second week down...and I promise i'll stop counting pretty soon. I've enjoyed a relaxing weekend, feeling like a member of the working populus. Interesting and unfamiiar...not only being a working stiff, but having a full-time demanding job I actually enjoy.  How the stars have aligned to bring me this job literally within moments of preparing me for it (via the retreat) still surprises me.
Until now, my life has looked as unconventional as my perspective. And I shunned a conventional job, convinced I couldn't remain myself, nor would anyone accept me as I am, in a "normal" job.  Now i've broken through that belief and proven to myself it can be done.
I could go on, but i'm boring myself.
On to art....
I bought some oil pastels yesterday, and they rock. Rich color...smudgeable. I also bought two graphite aquarelle pencils. Drawing/painting is an exercise in patience, but I'm just giving myself permission to play and experiment. It's hard when I see one of my portfolio pieces that I know just took a click of the shutter. But that's unfair. I'm doing this to expand the possible means of my expression. The various media will grow and merge in time.
I'm also dreaming of ways to incorporate/weave in beads as a 3D element. Maybe even handmade paper....I envision a piece based on a photograph, using collaged parts of it with pastel, beads and bits of paper...what fun.
At the same time I'm finishing the pictures from my niece's wedding, and remembering the satisfaction of a well-shot portrait.
anything else? hmmm. There's a local bar that is art-based and does open art nights once a week, usually with a show by an artist and a live model. People come and draw, paint, shoot pictures, drink, eat, chat...it's a  very cool vibe.  Being there motivates me, but it's also a great people watching opportunity. Who are the other people in this town for whom art is everything? Last week I took a sketch pad, and instead of drawing the model, I've been focusing on lines...the line of her back, the arm or the leg. Just a few lines here and there to understand the beauty of the human form. Watching a man walk around with his camera, though, made me jealous...so next week I'll go and shoot.

I've had another long talk with my boss Friday about my perspective on life..about how work only "works" for me if it ultimately supports my art,  whether it be the atmosphere, the connections with others, or the nature of the work. I've said it before, but I wanted to make sure she understood what motivates me.  And we both understand that it's a reciprocal relationship....she understands what I want, and I understand what she wants from me and we work on that partnership.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 12, 2007 19:16 | link | comments (1)

After my first busy week at work, today has been for rest and reflection. I laid in the grass this morning and reconnected with nature. I drank coffee slowly in the stifling warm August air on the patio. I napped at nooon, read at 2 and napped again at 6. I'm still very tired, but grounded again.
My mind is swirling with all this job entails, all the owner wants from her business and my role in that. She's hired me as her office manager, did I mention that? Kinda funny. I can totally do it, but I've never done it before so it shows a great deal of perception and faith on her part.

And I haven't forgotten about my art. It will resurface soon...maybe this week. I sat in the studio today for a while and thought about what I might do next. I'm going to finish the painting I started, and there are several things I want to shoot that I can do this week. I'm looking forward to it.

I also am reflecting on something I haven't mentioned yet. Last weekend before this job started, I went on a spiritual retreat with my teacher....my teacher who is also my therapist who was teaching me until about 18 months ago. She took a sabbatical from our group of women because she herself felt drained from a bout with cancer and didn't feel strong enough to teach us at that time.  We weren't sure if she'd ever return to teaching, but she informed me a month ago she would do so again. I wasn't sure how I would feel about returning to the Native American spiritualism.  I never assumed I would...either it would still speak to me or it wouldn't and if it didn't, I would pursue my own spiritual growth.  But I knew, and I'd told her, I was ready for a teacher again. I didn't know what form that would take. Maybe Buddhism would call to me (although it never has before) or I would find some amazing Gnostic group. I'm open. 

When she said she would teach again, I was happy.  But when I drove up to the house where we were spending the weekend and saw her there ready to embrace me in welcome, I nearly cried. She is like a mother to me, and here she was completely in her own power and ready to give of herself again in teaching other women to be strong in themselves.  But she has changed in those 18 months, in ways I didn't even really see in her official capacity as my therapist.  Her presence is so big. She is not charismatic in a religious sort of way. She is quiet and there is fire in her eyes, power in her presence, and what is most different from the last time is this deep, deep love that emanates from her.

It was an amazing weekend.  As with anything, you get out of it what you bring to it. I came ready to listen to my own heart. It led me to places I knew i needed to heal, but hadn't yet been ready.  At that point, I was tempted to back off and swim in the shallow end of the pool of my spirit...no deep water for me. I'll just play along and work on something safe. But no. It had been too long since I'd brought myself so wholly to this work and this was the time to face myself.   And I lived to tell about it.  I came home so much stronger and centered in my own power that the prospect of a new, unknown job the next day was just not a big deal.

Six months ago I would not have had the confidence to face the task of this job without a great deal of fear. But approaching it from a balanced place, it didn't scare me. There are parts that make me nervous...like managing other employees who are resistant to change. But I've had two excellent managers in my life and I observed well how they worked. One was laid back and adjusted on the fly to people's strengths and weaknesses. The other was so calm...nothing ever ruffled her feathers, I think because she understood what was truly important. She didn't get caught up in the drama. Not only can I draw on their example, I can draw on my own abilities with relationships.  I will be patient with the process.

I am standing fully in confidence. What a cool place to be. I like it here.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 05, 2007 21:29 | link | comments (1)
bg the therapist, work

Be careful what you ask for

I'm laughing at the Universe. I asked for a job and boy did I get one. I've worked 40 hours this week...and I went in at noon two of those days. I've got full-time as long as I want it and a boss who completely respects my desire for flexibility. But I am enjoying helping her get this business organized, so I'm giving her a few weeks at full time. We'll see how it goes.
I know I'm a different person than the woman who worked full time for a month last September. As long as I'm clear with myself and her about my priorities, this will go very well. I feel good about it.
Maybe next week I'll have time to elaborate on it...for now, it's 11:30 pm, I"m still working and I'll work tomorrow. It won't be this way for long.  It's amazing what one can do when one feels invested in the outcome.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 03, 2007 23:27 | link | comments (1)