a hard habit to break

Thursday, 02 February 2006

back on solid ground after, what, two weeks? adrift in my emotions. It certainly taught me something about how to find "land" again, and also how to swim through the experience, not drown. (The water metaphor seems to be working for this)

Sigh. So where is the "something big"? I'm still waiting, but it's beginning to form. It has to do with the skill of embracing my emotional life, honoring the way I operate, without losing my way in the meantime. It feels like I can now allow these tidal waves of emotion and change to go through me without fighting it. That's been one of the most painful parts...I resist it until I can't take it anymore. I mean, how many of us were raised to be stoic, unemotional people? I know I was. I can now put on that mask when it serves me, but most of the time it does me more harm than good.

I am not afraid of them anymore. Let them flow through me, I'll still be me, I'll still be here. I don't know how much sense this is making, but it *is* big for me. It is hugely important that I know I can contain my lava-lamp of emotions without them drowning me. And that I might just drown anyway if I DON"T allow them to be expressed. Ahh...there's the crux of the matter. The thing I fear is the very tool that gives me power.

I know this. I've learned this. Face the fear head on...go through it.. and there is power on the other side. But I have to learn it over and over with each new challenge.It has more meaning now, though. I understand that facing the fear will not kill me, and that the greater the fear, the greater the power on the other side. Most of the fears I'm referring to are biggies...like fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal. Sometimes the little stuff is just as difficult....like fear of rejection when submitting my photography.

The easiest lie of Fear for me to believe is that I am alone. Now i'm onto it though. I see it coming a mile away. I am not alone and never will be. I trust God and yet find new ways every day that I doubt Him/Her and myself. Awareness. Awareness of the Heart will keep me on solid ground.

Cool quote for today..."Habit is a hell to which people cling in an attempt to stop the flow of change." Caroline Myss, Ph.D.