"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin

vacation house

when my mother first saw pictures of my house, she said it looked like a vacation home...and i guess that's why i like it.  It does feel like an escape.
However the adjustment has been so much bigger than i imagined.  My schedule has changed and that's making me tired.  We've been here two weeks and have mostly unpacked but the house still does not feel like ours. we haven't filled it with our mojo so i still feel like i'm  renting a vacation home for a little while and then i'll go home. But when i sit on the porch or walk down to the lake,  I know that this house was meant for us..it is the perfect setting at the perfect time to support the way we want to live. It is even better than we could have dreamed of.
But it's so freakin  big.  We haven't measured, but my guess is it's about 2800 square feet. I get home really tired and all i want to do is go to bed, so the art room is not yet unpacked, nor my daughter's room. My closet is about 80% done, but i still cannot locate everything.

My mother is ill, too  and so my attention is divided. She and the whole family have been waiting for  over a week to be told when her surgery is and still we do not know.  She has cancer in two spots in her body and they are figuring out which one to tackle first.

So I sit on this peaceful porch and worry about my mother. I chafe at the structure now imposed by living further out and yet I am deeply grateful to be here.  This space is not only for us, but will be a great resource for our friends and family who want to hang out in the country and do some hiking. Being only 20 minutes from where we used to live, we really are not that far out.

The kittens...they love it. They are frightened of every noise outside, but have runways and stairs to work off their kitten energy. So what if they are now 15 months old...they will always be my kittens.

Posted by: brutallycurious at August 19, 2008 07:03 | link | comments (1)
mom , house, kittens

big house in the woods...

we have found a lovely house in the woods outside atlanta. i. am. tired. and we haven't even moved yet.

I haven't lived ex-urban in 15 years. it will be a big adjustment and i am soooo ready for it.

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 31, 2008 09:03 | link | comments

No, i'm not panicking...why do you ask??

it is interesting to note today that we move in 5 days, and have no idea where we will be living. there are hundreds of houses available to rent or lease/purchase, and lord knows we've been looking. I  have always loved following the real estate maket and finding properties i like. But we have this nasty habit of falling in love with a house and being serially monogamous. we stop looking. twice now, we have found a "perfect" house, only to have the details kill the deal.
the first house was because we wanted a lease/purchase and he got a purchase offer before we had signed a contract. I don't blame him, I would have done that too. But the house had sat empty for several years and suddenly sold within a week??
second time, the owners wanted terms for a lease/purchase that didn't work for us. instead of negotiating to find a middle ground, they just stopped communicating and never responded to our contract. weird, huh? They seemed pressed for cash, and maybe they found someone else (in the 4 days since we submitted a contract) that could give it to them, but that seems unlikely.  I think they got "offended" by our offer..an attitude which i think isn't going to make it easier for them to sell it.
what is going on with the housing market. does anybody really understand? i was talking to the leasing agent on the house we are leaving, and she was telling me all sorts of horror stories about renters being forced out of foreclosed homes, burglaries being on the rise (we've been burgled 4 times, hence the reason we are leaving) and the general instability of the market.
is the owner on the second house really so inundated with potential buyers she can ignore us? i just thought the HOUSES outnumbered the potential inhabitants.

so...we trudge on. there are great opportunities a little further out, and you know when you get further from the city housing gets cheaper. we are ready for more space and more safety.

life would be pretty simple if that was the only thing on my mind this week. my mother is ill and is facing surgery in a couple of weeks to remove a cancerous kidney. The woman has survived so many things in her lifetime and I know she is strong, but it disturbs me that she is not so sure. She is getting all her affairs in order so that she can be at peace before she goes in.
When she and my dad divorced years ago, the children rallied around her and have been devoted to her ever since. she has all 4 of us to depend on and we'd do anything for her...and yet we cannot make her better. we can only support her and pray for her.
I plan to be there in a couple of weeks when she has surgery. One of my sisters has already moved back into town to help her through this, and for that i am quite grateful.  My mom will be in good hands with her.

My world is rather upside down at the moment. I am unsettled but not shaken. I am taking it one moment at a time and that ability to be present with this moment seems to be helpful.

more tomorrow...

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 28, 2008 11:54 | link | comments

grace

amazing grace, how sweet the sound.... what does grace sound like? if all things resonate (and I believe they do), what music does grace exude? this is what i'm pondering today.. i've also wondered about the meaning of grace. historically i've had no context for grace other than religion. Does it have a meaning apart from a connection to God? Somehow it does to me but it is not well formed in my understanding.

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 21, 2008 17:54 | link | comments (2)

ooof

real world re-entry is rough. i wanna go back to bed.

Posted by: brutallycurious at July 07, 2008 11:49 | link | comments (3)